NEW PRINCIPAL AT FIRST ASSEMBLY

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How a MAN communicates to children.

Good morning students, great to see everyone rested and ready to learn. I’m the new principal.

This is going to be a challenging year, this year, believe me, for both of us, you and me both.

It won’t be like last year, I’m telling you. Last year you can write off as a lost year. Call it a loser year.

If you’ve been here longer, write that off to. Forget about it. That wasn’t learning, that was just reading and writing and ‘rithmatic. It’s going to be different, I’m telling you.

You won’t find new teachers in the classrooms, not at first, but they will have different attitudes. Why? Because I told them to change and people do what I tell them to do right after I tell them.

That’s what real learning is about, I’m telling you. Learn enough to do what you’re told to do and you’re good to go.

Some of you might find it amazing that you can graduate with a diploma. That’s why you do all the work. The diploma is your reward. Hang it on the wall. Show it off.

I’m here, hired here as the new principal, to make sure you get that diploma. And you will. Count on it. And you’ll be happy. Happy is good, and you’ll be more than happy if you can believe it.

Some of you hear things like your diploma doesn’t mean anything. Well I ask, compared to what? This diploma, this document, opens doors. At least it’ll keep doors open once you open them. A piece of paper doesn’t learn how to open doors, but we’re working on it.

I’m not here to tell you how great you are, or how great you’ll become. I’m here to tell you about the great opportunity I’m giving you.

Spending time with me on campus is like going to graduate school. That’s where you go after you graduate. Not you, exactly, but maybe some of you.

Graduate school is a waste of time, just like college. This is a high school, right? What’s higher than a high school? If that’s not higher learning, why’s it called a ‘high’ school?

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Your diploma from, from, from here is all you need to succeed in the life I’m laying out for you.

Don’t believe anyone who says you’re under educated. Believe me when I tell you I’ve met hundreds, no thousands, of over educated people and they’re no different than you. You can be the master of your world without a Masters degree.

It’s just a name, like new principal.

We’ll start classes, and when we do, you’ll have a desk. On the wall you’ll see new monitors and speakers. I told your teachers to make sure they keep the screens clean and the volume turned up. That’s their new job responsibilities. They’ll leave the teaching to me.

See, if you convey the right message you don’t need teachers with college degrees and state certificates. You don’t need these losers sitting around classrooms like they own the place. I own the place, not them.

Why do they need classes to understand early childhood development, or the ways people best learn? Listen to me, they don’t. Complete waste of time.

I just hope these teachers are smart enough to use a bottle of windex and a rag to keep the new monitors clean.

You will leave this great high school ready to make America great again. It’s the new low standard, greatness. Great or Break is our new motto.

We’ll have a new team name, too, one that fits this great high school. We’ll be the Greats. Oh, and by the way, we won’t have any sports this year, next year, or any year I’m here.

You’ve seen people exercising in prison? Bad idea. Why do we want stronger criminals? We don’t, and we don’t need stronger kids, either.

Instead, you’ll sit in your chairs the way I tell you to sit. If you don’t sit, you won’t get expelled, but you won’t get the special access I bring with me.

See, I know people. People I know know people, and those people are looking for people just like you, people who know how to do what they’re told to do.

By the time I’m done, you’re done, by the time we’re done together, you’ll be able to do what you’re told to do better than anyone else from any other school.

You won’t be hampered by questions like “Why?” You won’t worry about the future and your place in it.

I’ll tell you the future and your place in it and it’ll be great.

You’re great, I’m great, we’ll be great together. Now let’s give me a hand. See these hands?

Pick up your starter kits of windex and rags on the way to class. Head out the door over there. Go ahead. Leave.

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