PARADE MAGAZINE FOR BOOMERS?

You’ve still got time to make a leisure suit. via artfire.com

Sunday’s issue of Parade Magazine is full of gift ideas. Boomers, just look at ads instead.

You open the Sunday Oregonian, or the big newspaper in your city, and the cover features ‘the hottest stuff to give and get.’

How hot? Scarves, socks, hats that will keep you warm in the chilly winter.

But those aren’t the baby boomer gifts for your ‘older’ friends, and Parade Magazine knows it.

They know what you need and the ads prove it.

Not your gifts, boomer. via parade.com

Do kids need Nexium for their frequent heartburn? Do you? How about wrapping up a box for your significant other. After all, it’s for their protection in case they hog down as much at Christmas as you did at Thanksgiving.

Hell, I could have used a few Nexiums myself after a third plate of something dark and chewy. I stopped looking after the first helping.

If you don’t get that Nexium on time, call for help on your Consumer Cellular phone plan. You know it’s good when AARP gives members benefits.

Not feeling well? Not full of your usual pep and vinegar? Parade Magazine suggests Alive, a chewable gummy vitamin. They don’t call it a gummy bear, but you get the idea. Comes in Men’s and Women’s flavors.

Why is it in chewy form? Come on, boomer. Check your smile. Anything missing?

Speaking of chewy, next on the Parade Magazine ad list for self-gifting is a tray full of the stuff that inspired the recent health scare. No, not a plate of bacon, but one of processed meats. At least that’s what sticks out.

If you’ve ever received one as a gift, you probably won’t be giving one. And it never goes off.

Processed meat not on your diet? Go with Omaha Steaks instead. Order a box of Omaha and you’ll have a friend for life. That’s what it’ll feel like when you get calls for the next year ready to take your next order.

The next few pages cover the real gifts, so we’ll skip those. You already know what to get for others. It’s not your first Christmas, right boomer? Just make sure my tie gets here on time.

Or move on to Perfect Choice, hearing aids nearly impossible to see. For others to see, and you too if you can’t find your glasses.

Here’s the problem: If you’ve spent the last few years ignoring people and blaming your hearing, that’ll end. “Soft sounds and distant conversations can now be easier to understand.”

Ask yourself with your quiet voice, “Do I really want to follow soft sounds and distant conversations?”

A no answer means you are comfortable with your hearing loss. A yes answer means no peace and quiet.

You will say yes to the next ad/gift idea: Therapeutic Gel Toes.

They look like weightlifting gloves except for your feet. More precisely, the ends of your feet with your little piggies poking out.

Foot problems? Hammer toes, bunions, arthritis, plantar faciities, ball of foot pain? Not anymore.

Get two sets, one for a gift and one for you in case something pops up, or you want a new look at the end of your feet.

The last two big ticket gifts close the baby boomer Christmas deal for Parade Magazine.

One is a Safe Step Walk-In Tub, the other an Acorn Stair Lift.

The tub has the look of a plumbing disaster worse than an old waterbed. Something is bound to go wrong, and will.

The Stair Lift has stranded all over it. If it’s powered by house electricity and the power goes out in the middle of a ride, you’ll be there a while.

Here’s the deal on both pieces. The tub comes with a $1500 off offer. How much? And that’s before the demolition crew clears out your old tub and installs the new.

The Stair Lift comes with a $250 off coupon. Before you order one, ask this question: Do you want to live upstairs in a two story house if you can’t navigate the stairs?

If you do, at least you’ll know the high points of your day until you move.

Aging in place is a great goal, but stranded in place not so much.

This Christmas don’t settle for the usual gifts. Grab a few Parade Magazine copies and leave them around with your favorites circles. If asked, “What’s this all about?” say you don’t have a clue, or pretend like you don’t hear the question.

At least then you’ll know what’s coming.