COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN MADE EASY

via screenrant.com

You Don’t Need To Break It Down When Communication Goes Well. But When It Doesn’t?

Divorce creates a communication breakdown, along with everything else.

You probably wouldn’t be divorced if you were a better communicator. But now you are divorced and now you can barely talk.

Look around and ask who you’re supposed to talk to, who do you inflict your unique brand of communication on now that all your friends have chosen your former spouse instead of you.

If there’s a special moment to realize you’re wrong in thinking “it was them, not me” it’s when all of your friends say they’re busy every time you call.

They say they’re in their car but you hear a television in the background; they don’t want to see a game because “sports are too violent” but they still wear a Ndamukong Suh jersey on facebook; they don’t want to catch a movie because “all of this cartoon crap is so childish” but they have a huge comics collection.

Eventually you go one of two ways.

You stay the same, even increase your worn communication methods that resulted in divorce, because deep down you know it’s not you, not your fault, the same way nothing is ever your fault.

EVER.

Or, you break down your communication style because you know the divorce was your fault and you want to avoid poisoning the next person with your special brand of evil.

But where do you start? All relationship books and Dr. Phil and Oprah and every past television counselor says 50/50 is the magic number in happiness. And you’ve got work to do.

There’s no magic pill, special bullet, or golden parachute involved. You’ve got to figure it out.

So the first move you think of is shutting down. Go silent. Now you’re a mime? Take the ‘everything is fine’ route while you did the hole that will eventually bury you.

You can’t feel worse than you do, but just in case you’ve got more coming, you shut the hell up. And it’s a bad idea, worse than carrying on as usual.

My boomerpdx research, or talking to divorced guys, revealed a few surprises. For instance:

Two strangers talking at a bus stop navigate through past events, games, and places they’ve been.

It’s fun and easy when you think you’ve found a kindred spirit. The past is a safe place. It’s settled.

The same two strangers talking about people, places, and things in the future creates a little anxiety. Common ground found in the past becomes uncertain territory when you move to the future.

There’s more risk, but not as much as addressing the same topics in real time.

You can laugh off the past, the failures and successes, with, “What was I thinking?”

Avoid future mistakes with, “I’d never do that.”

But present time? Potential disaster. Now there’s expectations. You might have to do something. The other person says something and you react. It’s easy to misunderstand someone, but use that as an excuse and you come off slow or too stupid to get it.

Communication breakdown swings into full bloom the moment you realize you’re in deep water and can’t remember how to swim. You’re going to drown if you don’t make a move but which move?

Relationships are built on common ground, common strokes.

No one in a butterfly race does the side stroke. No one in a swim sprint race does the breast stroke.

A dying relationship may reveal you as the anchor, and there’s no such thing as an anchor race.

So, before you drown and get washed up on the shore and revived by some desperate beachcomber convinced they’re doing the right thing, learn to swim.

Before you talk yourself into a black hole and suck everything good and decent in with you, learn better communication.

An example of bad communication: “You hurt my feelings by taking a huge dump on everything near and dear. I’ll get back to you after I scrape it off.”

An example of good communication: “You hurt my feelings when you said, “XXXX YYYY OOOO. And I’d like to talk about it.”

That’s present time magic, boomer. Use it. Here’s The Scripts’ Breakeven to help out.

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even

Her best days were some of my worst
She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even… even… no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even… no