5 DIAMOND LIFE SURPRISES TO EXPECT: PILLOW MENU?

 

 

Is 5 Diamond life different than normal life? It better be, or why bother. But you may wonder like I do after a 5 Diamond week in Vidanta, can we ever get used to it as a lifestyle?

 

Probably not if you live in a space with stacks of magazines and books on every surface, with papers and bills strewn across more than one table.

 

The 5 Diamond life is neatness defined. If that doesn’t frighten you, it should.

 

Like every junior varsity hoarder, how am I supposed to function without the chaos.

 

5 Diamond life has a few answers from top properties.

 

Hotel Mousai – Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

 

“Distinctive personal attention includes a mid-day “siesta” hammock service.”

 

This is what memories are built on? Hammock service? If it’s a mid-day siesta in a hammock wouldn’t I be asleep? Not in 5 Diamond life. You’re gonna get that hammock service. If you don’t, you’ll get a call from the concierge asking why?

 

“I was asleep,” isn’t the right answer. In 5 Diamond life you’ll need to plan around hammock service if it’s offered. I’m guessing it’s more than a bucket of ice with a half dozen long necks poking out.

 

Park Hyatt New York – New York, N.Y.

 

“The spacious rooms feature a custom designed beverage center and a media hub integrated with curated art and designer furnishings, complemented by fine linens, aromatic scents and an oversized soaking tub.”

 

Gamer-boy might read the room amenity list and see beverage center and a media hub as the place to get wasted and play Call To Duty. Aromatic scents? No, not weed, you x-box goof.

 

St. Regis Deer Valley – Park City, Utah

 

Located on a ski run with true slope-side ski-in/ski-out access, the guest experience begins with a peaceful funicular tram ride up the mountain, offering stunning picture-postcard views. The luxurious lobby, split-level infinity pool and convenient ski beach for downhill rest breaks invite total relaxation.

 

When did snow skiing turn into a source of total relaxation? Can guests dive from one infinity pool to the next? And what constitutes a peaceful funicular tram ride up the mountain? Not slamming into cliff sides during a high wind event sounds peaceful enough.

 

(I once rode up Squaw Valley in their cable car listening to a conversation about the cable car accident of 1978 . It wasn’t 5 Diamond peaceful, but it stuck.)

 

The Cloister – Sea Island, Ga.

 

Relax in an overstuffed chair and treat your feet to the caress of handmade Turkish rugs after a full day of boating, tennis, squash or your favorite beach activity.

 

Favorite beach activity? Like lying out by the pool? If it’s a 5 Diamond life, the pool is essential.

 

The Ritz-Carlton, Dove Mountain – Marana, Ariz.

 

Influenced by the traditions of the Sonoran desert, the spa features ancient curative rituals and eco-holistic therapies, a treat for guests who wish to be pampered.

 

Pampered? At a 5 diamond resort? It’s gonna happen whether you wish it or not. And don’t refuse that pampering or you’ll get another call from the concierge.

 

“You’ve turned down the sweat lodge, vision quest, and a shaman trip influenced by Carlos Castaneda. We are here to pamper.”

 

Trump International Hotel and Tower Toronto – Toronto, Ontario

 

Luxury is standard as each room features Bellino fine linens with an extensive pillow menu, a European-style wet bar with a Nespresso machine and a stone-finished bathroom with a deep soaking tub, rain shower and in-mirror TV.

 

If pillow menu creates an image from My Six Hundred Pound life, you’re not alone. Shouldn’t eating in bed be a guilty secret shared with your loved one? It’s more forbidden and fun. Now it’s a service. Besides ice cream, what else could be on a pillow menu?

 

“Five Diamond establishments stand apart by redefining personalized service, using creativity to enhance guest comfort and providing memorable experiences.” Candidates for the rating undergo multiple unannounced evaluations and a final decision by a panel of experts. Using guidelines weighted by member priorities, inspectors meticulously evaluate guest services and physical attributes to assess the level of competence, refinement and hospitality and assign a corresponding rating of One to Five Diamonds.

 

That last sentence is key, especially the competence part. What the heck does competence mean in the 5 Diamond business?

 

Based on my careful evaluation of one 5 Diamond, Grand Luxxe, competence means assuring guests of their security, their housekeeping, room service, and grounds crew and make it all feel invisible. People show up to do things, or do nothing, and watching people work is a reminder of the real world unless the 5 Diamond workers know the invisible trick.

 

It takes a 5 Diamond bootcamp to create the 5 Diamond mood from top to bottom. What’s the mood? The ‘happy to be here’ mood. Lock that in and you’re loaded to go. Grand Luxxe Vidanta figured it out.