OREGON GOVERNMENT LIKE A COLONOSCOPY

Starting with “You won’t feel a thing.”

via wiki.com

1. The View.

Whether combing over smaller evidence with a microscope of going for a bigger picture like the Hubble Space Telescope, you want to see it all.

You’d rather use one of those than invite a judge and jury to examine evidence from the inside.

2. The Prep.

Whether chugging fourteen times the suggested daily amount of Miralax along with a chaser of Magnesium Citrate to down a few Dulcolax tablets, you need a clear view.

Removing extraneous material, like a governor and his girlfriend, clears the field of vision.

3. The Players.

No need for a big audience. Just you, the doctor, the support staff, and everyone your partner has told in jest needs to participate.

When you show up for an appointment don’t ask the doctor, “What are you here for?” the way Governor Kitzhaber asked Oregon Secretary of State Kate Brown when he called her back from the east coast.

4. Follow Instructions.

When the list of food says stop eating celery, nuts, popcorn, and seeds three days before the procedure, then stop.

When trusted allies tell the governor to stop feeding his girl projects that compromise his power, stop.

5. If You Feel Nauseated.

It’s normal. Taking proactive measures to prevent something awful from sneaking in the backdoor isn’t always pretty, but it pays off in the long run. What’s worse, your discomfort or that of loved ones watching you suffer?

Governor K’s been on the scene for thirty seven years. He’s saved his worst for last. No one in Oregon wants to see this sort of drama.

6. Is Diarrhea Normal?

See #2. Drink enough juice ending in LAX, along with pills ending the same and you’ll have the propulsion jets use taking off from Los Angeles International Airport (LAX.)

If you’re the Oregon governor churning up your own party and they advice you to resign, guess what? Fasten your seat belt.

7. How Fast Will The Laxative Work?

Don’t stray too far from home if you’re not sure.

The Oregon laxative didn’t take hold when Kate Brown showed up. It might kick in after Governor Kitzhaber’s longtime supporters push the flush handle and give it an extra jiggle.

8. Wear The Right Clothes.

Stick to loose and comfortable, easy to get in and out of, for the colonoscopy.

For a resignation stick to what you know. Cowboy boots and jeans with jacket and tie. Make a statement that you’re still the same man you’ve always been, just a little confused by middle aged hotties.

9. Expect To Talk It Out.

You’ll be sedated, but before you go under you’ll need to describe you last few bowel movements. Don’t feel embarrassed, the doc and staff have heard it a thousand times.

No one in Oregon has heard from a governor ridden out of town on a rail. Portland baby boomers, along with the rest of the world, saw how Nixon handled his exit. Governor K probably won’t need a helicopter, but hopefully he’ll get a chance to talk it out with his lady when it’s all done.

10. Prognosis.

A clear colonoscopy means good news. Problems in there means more frequent checks.

In Salem, an attempted cover-up, asking that emails be destroyed, calling your girlfriend First Lady then claiming she’s exempt from attention because she was never the official Fist Lady of Oregon, means more check-ups.

Is it criminal to fall in love and turn into an Us Against The World couple? No. But when you’re an elected official and the world turns on you, the world wins.