10 THINGS THE SEDONA VORTEX WON’T DO

But You Would.

1. Help confused drivers find their way through one roundabout after another.

The place has more of them than a YES album, more than an English county.

The problem starts when drivers think yield means stop.

Learn how to navigate this simple alternative to traffic lights.

2. Either you believe in the vortex or not.

Out on the vortex trail I met Coos Bay’s Mel Counts’ roommate from Oregon State.

He said Mel was a great guy; Heisman Trophy winner Terry Baker didn’t get the same bump.

The roomie is a retired professor from Southern Oregon College, now Southern Oregon University.

He’s reliable, but a vortex doubter.

3. The vortex won’t walk a mile to the liquor store in new sandals for a beer run.

It won’t  put bandaids on your feet, either.

Worst of all the vortex won’t let the liquor store man give cash back on the purchase.

4. Ride a bike on the red rock trails and you get red legs.

The vortex won’t wash that off.

You’ll have to do it yourself.

5. One rock formation looks like Snoopy.

Another looks like a camel on its belly.

The vortex won’t make them stand up.

6. Serious money owns homes off dirt roads a long ways off the pavement.

Heavy gates block the entrance to driveways longer than mafia mansions in New Jersey.

You can’t see the houses.

The vortex won’t open those gates in either place.

7. From my motel balcony I see cedar roof ridge caps broken and scattered.

The vortex won’t repair that mess.

8. Instead of a Plaid Pantry or 7-11, Sedona’s corner stores help clean chakras and balance your energy.

The vortex won’t change any of them into a brew-pub with good beer.

9. Sedona is a baby boomer paradise from the looks of the locals and tourists.

It’s had the same hallucinatory effect for ages, 360 degrees of the sort of landscape the Rover sent from Mars.

How many sixties trippers made it this far and gave up acid because it never delivered a more dramatic vision.

The vortex might have something to do with this.

10. People come from all over to experience Sedona.

One view point showed cars from Alaska, Illinois, Texas, and Montana.

The vortex might draw them here, but it doesn’t teach them how to drive a roundabout.